My two best friends Zack and Amy and I were going on vacation, and we expected nothing more than fun and a great time, this would soon be regretted. My senior year was finally over and I had been waiting for this summer for what seemed like forever. Amy and I were packing in my room when we heard the loud echo of a horn. Zack had just pulled up in my driveway in his brand new Mercedes. Amy and I both glanced at each other before we both started deftly running down the stairs that led to the doorway, both trying not to fall because my mom always needed to mop them spotless.
My parents had booked a house right on the beach the summer after my junior year. They hadn’t told me until early November because they wanted to make sure everything would work out. When they told me I was so excited because it would be my first vacation without my family. I always thought it would be fun to go on a vacation with just my friends. We arrived in Ogunquit, Maine around three o’clock and found our beach house a few minutes later. There was not many houses around it, it seemed very deserted from everything else. It was an old house and the siding was falling off. As I kept examining the dirty white house, I could feel the zephyr from the waves crashing on the shore.
“I’m sure it will be nicer on the inside.” Amy tried to assure me.
“Yeah, I’m sure it will be, my mom said this was supposed to be a very nice place to stay at.” I concurred with her, but still felt a little worried.
We walked in, and I thought it might’ve looked even worse than it did on the outside. We also noticed there was an effluvia. There was a very small TV and all the furniture was stained and ripped. I started to wonder if this was the right place my mom had booked for us. I still tried to stay positive, but so far this trip wasn’t what I had expected. We decided to take a walk down to the beach that afternoon. It was strange because there was nobody around until about a mile down the shore. This is where all the beautiful beach homes were located and there was a lot of excitement and a bevy of families playing. I started to miss my family vacations; I wanted our beach home to be around where all the parties were instead of where there is absolutely no one around.
The sun began to set and the tide started to go out. On our way back, we passed the boardwalk which had some restaurants inside. All of us have loved seafood since we were little, so we decided to stop at the Lobster Shack. It was a placid place and we ordered delicious albacore sandwiches. After our stomachs felt like they were going to burst from all the delicious food, we headed to our house.
After playing a few hands of cards, we went to bed so we could have a full day of the beach. It wasn’t until around midnight when I started to hear banging on the house. I freaked out because it sounded like somebody was trying to break in. I woke Zack up, and he went outside to check it out. When he came back in he said it was very windy because a storm was approaching and the shutters were banging on the siding of the house. I was still a little uneasy, but decided to go get some rest.
Two hours later, I was tossing and turning in between my dreams, when I saw a shadow near the side door. I assumed it was Amy or Zack getting something to drink, but when I looked over they were both sleeping. I started to get a pit in my stomach and I could feel my body getting heated when everything started to click. Someone had broken in.
“Zack, wake up!” I nudged him.
“What is it now?” he sounded frustrated.
“Someone is in our house, they broke in.” This got him right up.
“WHAT?” I could tell he was feeling compunction as well.
I explained to him how I had seen the shadow near the door and I could tell it was a person. He told me to remain calm and he would take care of it. Of course I wasn’t able to not be worried, because this was a big deal. Zack tiptoed his way into the kitchen, which was to the left of the door where I had last seen the shadow. I was just about to sit on my bed, when I heard an unheralded cacophony from the kitchen. I ran over to see if Zack was alright, and thank god he was, the banging was some pots falling from the cabinets. I headed back to the room, when I saw the big shadow again. I saw something in his hands and I didn’t have enough time to react, when I saw a wooden bat aiming for my face. I felt my body fall to the floor and I became very dizzy. Everything else that happened that night became a blur. I remember a lot of loud noises, and Amy running to my side. Then I remember blue and red lights flashing in and out of the house, and paramedics wheeling me out on a stretcher. After this, I remembered nothing.
I woke up in the hospital bed with Zack, Amy, and my parents by my side. I was confused as to where I was and why the heck I had all these tubes in me and monitors surrounding me.
“I’m so sorry, it was my entire fault, and I should’ve never left you alone.” Zack sounded heartbroken.
“No, I should’ve made sure that house was okay, I don’t know what I was thinking making reservations online through a website I’m not familiar with.” I could tell my mother had been crying.
“What on earth is everyone talking about? What happened?” I was so confused.
Zack gave me an anecdote. The shadow was somebody breaking into our house. He told me that the intruder threshed my face with a bat. During the time I was on the floor, the intruder tried to hit Zack also, but he was able to stop him because of all the self-defense classes he had taken. Zack told me he called the cops and this man was arrested. Once the police got the man into handcuffs, one of the officers explained to Zack that they were searching for this leery man who had broken into five houses in the past week.
“What an amazing senior trip.” I managed to find the energy to sardonically say before I dazed off into sleep.
My parents had booked a house right on the beach the summer after my junior year. They hadn’t told me until early November because they wanted to make sure everything would work out. When they told me I was so excited because it would be my first vacation without my family. I always thought it would be fun to go on a vacation with just my friends. We arrived in Ogunquit, Maine around three o’clock and found our beach house a few minutes later. There was not many houses around it, it seemed very deserted from everything else. It was an old house and the siding was falling off. As I kept examining the dirty white house, I could feel the zephyr from the waves crashing on the shore.
“I’m sure it will be nicer on the inside.” Amy tried to assure me.
“Yeah, I’m sure it will be, my mom said this was supposed to be a very nice place to stay at.” I concurred with her, but still felt a little worried.
We walked in, and I thought it might’ve looked even worse than it did on the outside. We also noticed there was an effluvia. There was a very small TV and all the furniture was stained and ripped. I started to wonder if this was the right place my mom had booked for us. I still tried to stay positive, but so far this trip wasn’t what I had expected. We decided to take a walk down to the beach that afternoon. It was strange because there was nobody around until about a mile down the shore. This is where all the beautiful beach homes were located and there was a lot of excitement and a bevy of families playing. I started to miss my family vacations; I wanted our beach home to be around where all the parties were instead of where there is absolutely no one around.
The sun began to set and the tide started to go out. On our way back, we passed the boardwalk which had some restaurants inside. All of us have loved seafood since we were little, so we decided to stop at the Lobster Shack. It was a placid place and we ordered delicious albacore sandwiches. After our stomachs felt like they were going to burst from all the delicious food, we headed to our house.
After playing a few hands of cards, we went to bed so we could have a full day of the beach. It wasn’t until around midnight when I started to hear banging on the house. I freaked out because it sounded like somebody was trying to break in. I woke Zack up, and he went outside to check it out. When he came back in he said it was very windy because a storm was approaching and the shutters were banging on the siding of the house. I was still a little uneasy, but decided to go get some rest.
Two hours later, I was tossing and turning in between my dreams, when I saw a shadow near the side door. I assumed it was Amy or Zack getting something to drink, but when I looked over they were both sleeping. I started to get a pit in my stomach and I could feel my body getting heated when everything started to click. Someone had broken in.
“Zack, wake up!” I nudged him.
“What is it now?” he sounded frustrated.
“Someone is in our house, they broke in.” This got him right up.
“WHAT?” I could tell he was feeling compunction as well.
I explained to him how I had seen the shadow near the door and I could tell it was a person. He told me to remain calm and he would take care of it. Of course I wasn’t able to not be worried, because this was a big deal. Zack tiptoed his way into the kitchen, which was to the left of the door where I had last seen the shadow. I was just about to sit on my bed, when I heard an unheralded cacophony from the kitchen. I ran over to see if Zack was alright, and thank god he was, the banging was some pots falling from the cabinets. I headed back to the room, when I saw the big shadow again. I saw something in his hands and I didn’t have enough time to react, when I saw a wooden bat aiming for my face. I felt my body fall to the floor and I became very dizzy. Everything else that happened that night became a blur. I remember a lot of loud noises, and Amy running to my side. Then I remember blue and red lights flashing in and out of the house, and paramedics wheeling me out on a stretcher. After this, I remembered nothing.
I woke up in the hospital bed with Zack, Amy, and my parents by my side. I was confused as to where I was and why the heck I had all these tubes in me and monitors surrounding me.
“I’m so sorry, it was my entire fault, and I should’ve never left you alone.” Zack sounded heartbroken.
“No, I should’ve made sure that house was okay, I don’t know what I was thinking making reservations online through a website I’m not familiar with.” I could tell my mother had been crying.
“What on earth is everyone talking about? What happened?” I was so confused.
Zack gave me an anecdote. The shadow was somebody breaking into our house. He told me that the intruder threshed my face with a bat. During the time I was on the floor, the intruder tried to hit Zack also, but he was able to stop him because of all the self-defense classes he had taken. Zack told me he called the cops and this man was arrested. Once the police got the man into handcuffs, one of the officers explained to Zack that they were searching for this leery man who had broken into five houses in the past week.
“What an amazing senior trip.” I managed to find the energy to sardonically say before I dazed off into sleep.
6 comments:
Describing the setting was easy to write for me. I had trouble writing a good conclusion. I didnt know how to describe the intruder coming into the house. The feedback the would be most helpful would be some ideas on my introduction.
I. The conflict of the story was that they were on this almost abandoned house that they had no clue about, and that there was an intruder in the house. It was an external conflict because it was happening to all of the friends. It was resolved by Amy, Zach, and her mom explaining what had happened. The main character ended up in the hospital from the intruder hitting her with a bat. I liked the conflict because it was a nerve-racking situation that I was eager to find out what happened next. I think that if she explained why the intruder was in the house, it would have made the story a little more dramatic and more exciting to read.
II. The main character doesn’t seem to change over time.
III. My favorite part of the story was when her friends had explained to her that the intruder had ended up in jail and that we found out everyone was ok from the break-in. This had occurred in the conclusion, or the ending of the story. "Zack told me he called the cops and this man was arrested." I picked this quote to put in because it was my favorite part of the story and made a relief to heat he was in a place he deserved to be in…jail.
IV. Overall, I would say that the story's best quality was describing scenes because she did a really good job on that. And example of one would be when she was describing the house, "We walked in, and I thought it might’ve looked even worse than it did on the outside. There was a very small TV and all the furniture was stained and ripped. I started to wonder if this was the right place my mom had booked for us."
V. The story's theme I think would be to always be careful with what decisions you make. I thought this was a theme that could work because in the end of the story, the main character's mom explains that she had been more careful as to where she had picked for them to vacation at.
VI. I think that there aren't and revisions other than to describe why the intruder was trying to get in, etc. otherwise, you did a really good job!
The conflict of this story was that there was an intruder in the house and they didn't know what to do. This was an external conflict. The conflict was resolved by calling the police and catching the intruder.
The protagonist was always staying positive even though they were in a really bad looking house. But then she got hit with a bat by the intruder and that ruined her vacation. The big insight was when her friends and parents have to recap everything for her because she didn't know what happened.
My favorite part of the story was when they tell her what had happened to her. This was during the resolution. "The sun began to set and the tide started to go out. On our way back, we passed the boardwalk which had some restaurants inside." I liked this part because it gave me a really vivid image of the beach and what was going on.
I think that the best quality of this story is description. Everything was described well and gave me a really vivid image in my head and helped me see the story better. It also helped me understand the story better and what it was all about.
I think that this stories theme is always keep an eye out. in the begining the house wasnt that great and she still stayed positive but then the intruder came and they weren't expecting things to get that bad.
I think all you need to do is just proofread because the story is absolutely fabulous! good job Lindsay!!! <33
1. The conflict of the story was that three friends went to a beach house in Maine that was trashed and someone broke in. It was an external conflict. It was resolved when Zach called the police and they arrested the robber, and taking the main character to the hospital. I was very invested in conflict. I couldn't wait to see what happened next. There isn't anything I would add to make it more dramatic.
2. In the story, the main character doesn't seem to change over time. Also, none of the other characters do either.
3. My favorite part of the story was when Zach and the main character went to find the intruder and the main character was knocked out. This occured in the climax of the story. "The sun began to set and the tide started to go out. On our way back, we passed the boardwalk which had some restaurants inside." I picked this quote because it gave me a clear picture of what was going on in the story.
4. The tale's best quality was describing settings and scenes. She uses a lot of detail and adjectives so you can picture exactly what you are looking at and what is happening in the scene. For example, when they first go into the house, I can picture exactly what it looks like.
5. I think the stories theme is to watch your back and follow your insticts. This was built up in the story because the main character at the first sight of the house didn't think it was right. However, she didn't want to ruin their vacation, so she thought nothing of it. But, it ended up ruining it anyways.
6. I don't think there are any revisions to be made to your story.
GREAT JOB LINS!! <3
Vocabulary Words:
1. Deftly(adv)-with skill. In my story this means they are carefully running down the stairs because they are slippery.
2. Zephyr(noun)-gentle breeze. There is a breeze from the waves at the beach.
3. Concurred(verb)-to agree. The narrator agreed with her friend because she trusted her.
4.Effluvia(noun)-bad smell. The house they were staying in had a stench to it.
5.Bevy(noun)-large group or collection. When the three friends were walking down the beach, they saw many families.
6.Placid(adj)-peaceful and calm. This is used to describe the restauraunt.
7. Albacore(noun)-tuna. This is what they ate at the seafood restauraunt.
8.Compunction(noun)-uneasy feeling. They were uneasy when they saw the shadow.
9. Unheralded(adj)-unexpected or unannounced. The loud noise from the kitchen wasn't expected.
10. Cacophony(noun)-harsh sound. The pots in the kitchen made a loud noise.
11. Anecdote(noun)-short description. Zack gave his friend an explanation of what happened.
12. Threshed(verb)-to strike repeatedly. The intruder kept hitting her with a bat.
13. Leery(adj)-suspicious. The intruder was very suspicious.
14.Sardonically(adv)-sarcastic and in bad humor. She made a sarcastic remark on how her senior trip was amazing.
The biggest change I have made from my first to final draft is I added more description. I think the comments on my blog were more helpful. I thought these were most helpful because they answered many questions and they were more specific. My stories greatest strength is my conflict. This is what is described the best. My advice to next years students would be to proofread. When I proofread my story I found my silly mistakes, such as forgetting to put commas, or quotation marks around dialogue. Also, it is easy to forget to add descriptive detail. It is always better to edit your story, even if you think everythings perfect.
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